My strength took a beating today.
It was Alexander’s first day of outpatient dialysis. My aunt, uncle, cousin and her fiance joined us to meet the staff as they will be helping transport and accompany him to his dialysis sessions. I didn’t know what to expect when I arrived but, once again, I lost control and cried. Alexander was fearless and paid no mind to me. If only I knew what he was thinking and feeling.
I’ve always been a person who felt emotions deeply. I always thought of it as a gift to to be able to feel and empathize with others. The ability allowed me to connect with the young people I worked with throughout my career. But now it’s getting harder and harder to hold back the tears. I avert the gaze of those around me. Feeling their compassion through their presence overwhelms me. The reality of what my family is going through is too real and becomes more vivid every day. It’s a nightmare from which I am unable to wake.
I tell myself I must have faith and stay positive. Stay strong. Don’t quit.
I signed all the paperwork and and stayed with Alexander until he was settled. My aunt and uncle stayed behind so I could return to the office. It’s hard to leave him but I need to occupy my mind, follow through with my commitments and support my family.
I head for the Merritt Parkway. As I neared the on ramp a feeling of nervousness consumes me. A feeling so strongly that I scold myself for being unreasonable. I edge closer, hovering the brake, waiting for a safe entry.
And then it happens. My body and car jerk forward from a force that comes from behind.
It takes me a moment to realize that I’ve been rear-ended. I enter the parkway cautiously and pull over. Driver follows. I sit. Lost. Did that just really happen?
She approaches apologetically. I can barely speak. I feel for her. We wait for assistance to make a report. I’m numb and emotional simultaneously. I get a call from my colleague. She and our supervisor just passed me and ask if I’m okay. They offer help. I tell them I’m okay. They come back anyway and wait with me.
We finally make it to the office. I muster up some strength and finish the day.
So much to ponder. I don’t try to make sense of what happened. We say everything happens for a reason. We don’t always get to know why. I’m grateful to come home to my children. No pictures today.