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October 1, 2019 11:06 pm

Day 22- Today was challenging. I struggled to keep my emotions in check. I was sure I was going to be able to hold it together, that is, until I walked into the office and found flowers and the sweetest hand made card signed by everyone with words of encouragement.

“You are loved.”

I sobbed in my corner as quietly as I could trying to get myself together but more tears came with every message I read . A colleague is gracious enough to give me space. One hug and I would’ve fallen completely apart.

After a bit I was able to settle in and begin planning. I was doing pretty good too. I just made it to the end of my meeting but I was weak. All of a sudden when there was nothing left to say, and silence was thick and caught in my throat. BAM. I am overcome with emotion and drowning in tears again. I take a much needed walk.

The doctor and social worker call and provide the information I need to start planning life outside of the hospital. More appointments. Stressed but grateful for him to be coming home.

I arrived at the hospital after work and nudged Alex to complete his assignments from Health Class. He finishes reluctantly. He asks me questions about food and his new diet. He doesn’t like the answer. He tears up and quickly rubs them away. I tell him to let them fall. I cry too. I know its hard. I’m trying too. I’m here, baby.

How can I help make this better when I too am freaking out about food? What if I make a mistake and he ends up back in the hospital? So much pressure. I feel him watching me. I have to be strong.

“Hey Alex, I have an idea. Do you want to help me make the meal plan?” He loves to cook.

We look up recipes for and cookbooks for dialysis. We go over his maximums again. We set up the first few pages of his notebook for him to jot down ideas of recipes he’d like to try. He will write down the counts for each recipe and we will create a meal plan together. I show him the website and save it to his iPad. He decides he will pick out his ideas during dialysis tomorrow morning.

I ask, “Alex, how are you feeling about tomorrow?”

“I’m worried about my catheter but I’m fine otherwise.

“He sounds like me. He shrugs his shoulders. Tonight is all about Gordon Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares. I kiss him good night and head home. Tomorrow will make 23 days of hospitalization. We will find a nice place to sit and enjoy the sun for a bit tomorrow once we are discharged.


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